+To Be Myself+

I don't really remember my Junior High School time. In a matter of fact, I don't really remember anything in this life.

One of the few things I remember about my Junior High School is the library. The library is small yet surprisingly delightful, at least for me : )

There are lots of book that actually quite strange to be found in a junior high's library. For instance, I remember read the Northanger Abbey (English edition), the complete and unabridged version.
I don't really understand it because of my pathetic English but I manage to grasp some of its point... I think hahahaha....

Come to think of it, it was the first Jane Austen book that I read, even before the famous Sense and Sensibility. There are lot of similar books like that in the library.

This is also the first time I read Leo Tolstoy' Anna Karenina and fell in love instantly with his works and later with many other Russian author's rich description in their writing.

I think because of that kind of collection the library is almost empty hahaha....

I remember, I like to sit there for hours reading many wonderful books and wish I can take them all and read all of the books every time I want.

I also don't remember if there was a librarian there. So far as I can collect my memories I always remember the library being empty and serene.

There is this one book that greatly impressed me until I able to remember about it until now.

I can't remember the title of the book, the author, nor the publisher. The only thing I remember that its publisher is a Japanese publisher and the book colour is white, all over its body.

The book is not a novel, it consist of many short stories, poems, and songs. In short, it is not a book that people will refer as a classic literature and maybe will be just shove off by prejudiced people whose premium taste can only be fulfilled by the Nobel Prize Winner Books.

Me, myself, thanks to youthfulness at that time just read every books. Whether it's children books, teen, poems, comics, traditional stories, and even those grandeur Nobel Prize Winner Books (which actually most of the time after I finished reading makes me depressed rather than felt joyous).

And there is this story.

The story told me about a girl who can never feel happy and fit with her parents and a sibling (a younger sister) acts toward her. She feels so bad each day until one day she decided to run away from home.

She carefully makes the plan and one day she just leave the house. She moves to other city and lied about her age to got a part time job.

Just like real life, no one realizes that she is the "missing girl" many news reported. Her landlady once become suspicious and told her that she has a similar face to that "missing girl" on television and newspapers. The girl calmly acted that she doesn't have any connection at all with the missing girl. Because of her composure the landlady believes it.

Years passed and the girl now has a stable life. One day, she decided to come home. To said sorry to her family.

In the journey to her family house she felt agitated and enthusiast. Then she arrived. She knocked the door and it is the mother who opens it.

She stood there, smiling, thinking her mother will be overjoy and welcome her.

Instead, the mother only standing there and stared at her. Having an unexpected respond like that the girl stunned and can't say any words.

Then the mother speak, "Can I help you?"

After gain her confidence she said, still smiling: "It's me, mother, your daughter."

And her mother cried.

The father then come and asking what's going on there. And to the girl's surprised, the mother's in the middle of her sobbing said that this young lady said she is their daughter.

Not just stop there it's the father's turn to said: "Young lady, you are still so young that's why we don't call police this time. You are so mean, hurting others feeling like this, maybe because you are so young you can't think about things deeply, just try to think if it's your parents who have to go through all this problem. You should felt ashamed of yourself!"

Then the door was slammed in front of her face.

The girl just stood there for a while because she is too surprised and then she shrugs her shoulders and just leaves. The story ended there.

I think in that time I felt a little upset to read the end of the story.

I can't remember now whether it's the girl's decision to come home again that makes me upset or it is the parents' act that makes me upset. This story just stayed at my mind.

It is as if it was a movie and every scene is so clear flashes in front of my eyes. I don't remember going to the library again after I read the book. Maybe because all the books I read after it not leaving the same or stronger impression to me.

Then one day, this thinking comes to my head suddenly. That it is not an uneasy ending but instead a happy ending. That the girl actually has a happy life.

The parents can't recognize her maybe because she change so much. Or maybe because from the very first they never know her nor try to know her.

Who cares.

That maybe cause a lot of sad moments for the girl in her previous life when she still live with the parents, but I think she has get the happiness by knowing herself.

Well sure it's an egoist side of me or any other readers who read an open ending stories like that to have her/ his own perspective.

There are a lot of parents who treated their children like they are their possession.

While the children love their parents without granted. It always amazes me how a child can root for their parents or one of their parents so deeply while the parents treated them like some kind of material.

It amazed me more when not just a little child but also the grown up still biased by the same illusion.

The grown up may look like they don't care anymore about what their parents' think or act towards them but they still feels upset and disappointed from what they can get or can't get from the expectation they set about their parents.

In short, still the parents matter for them. They think they don't care again about their parents' judgment about them but it still hurting them.

I don't have those kinds of emotions toward the parents. Maybe when I was small I favor one of them but through time and events, I learn not to root onto one of them and freed myself from any illusions regarding the word "parents".

It maybe sounds bad for some people (?) but until now I am comfortable with that.

Nothing really that precious about this life for me. When someone's dear to me gone I maybe sad but I would just forget it after some times.

I mean really forget it.

Nothing's really precious for me in this life that I need to hold on strongly. This life for me not bad+not good, this is only life.

I learn not to trust anyone except myself not out from bitterness but from a long period of thinking.

I don't care about the parents not out from revenge but from my own contemplation.

Some may think I am a laid back person, some may think I am an egoist self-centered brat (actually I think I am an egoist but trying hard not to disturbing others ;P).

Anyone can think anything.

I, myself, think I am a happy person : )

Images

There are lots of images that will forever stay in my mind. I remember years ago when I went to some cosplay competition event. I don’t know much about cosplay. In fact, even though I really like manga + manhua + manhwa –can’t live without them- I rarely watch anime or playing game.

I went there because one of my classmates in Japanese language course told about it and in the end all of us (I think only 8 person in our class that time) going together to the event.

I saw many unique, bizarre and wonderful costumes. Even though I don’t understand what anime or which character they portrait, I found it interesting and I admire their effort + desire for what they like.

As expected, many people, especially elderly were glaring with disapproving eyes to the cosplayers. Most of the cosplayers are Chinese descent (In Indonesia language; Tionghoa). I think that maybe because they have more open mind about this kind of stuff + also easier access to things like cosplay, anime + manga. Plus, in my opinion they really looked nice + fit wearing the costumes even the most unique one.

The event was held at the mall in the area where many Tionghoa people lived. So there are also many Tionghoa elderly. Almost all of them looked disapprovingly to those young Tionghoa cosplayers.

Maybe they are thinking: “What are those kids nowadays doing, instead of studying… so messy!” :P

One old lady is really scolded when a group of young Tionghoa lads who were dressed in really bizarre costumes (really cool I think) passed her. After raising her eyebrows in disgust, she whispered something to a lady beside her. Both looks really annoyed by group after group of cosplayers who seems to passing them endlessly.

Back to the competition ground where a stage has been built + cosplayers each showing off their costume, a couple caught my interest. They are holding hands and looked like a picture. The wife around early 30’s and the husband is in the end of 30’s. They smile broadly and with much of pride staring to one place.

I, who mesmerized by their smile + light of proud around them, was searching for what they looked so fondly. Turns out they were looking into the stage where a girl around junior high school, standing nervously in the stage. She too, wears a bizarre costume.

It was really impressed me how this couple looked so proud to their daughter after I saw people looked so irritated at those cosplayers. I know that’s because they are her parents but actually that fact makes me think that’s even wonderful.

I’m sure there are many other parents who don’t like their kids doing things like coslayers and stuff like that, in Indonesia at least. I don’t know how’s in the other countries (though I’m sure in every part of the world there were always exist open minded people and vice versa).
Yet, this parent looked at their daughter with so much love and proud. The way they hug each other and looking to their daughter with sparkling eyes and warm smile, makes me drawn to them that day.

Until now I still can remember them clearly.

Wait

I think most of my time in this life I spent for waiting.

I know and understand that it’s sometime-often hard to be on time living in this city. There are so many things we can blame on; traffic jam, rain, traffic jam that happened after rain, flood that happened after only 10 minutes rain that caused traffic jam, new academic year that caused traffic jam, the transportation worker strike, relatives that come by suddenly, etc, etc. Those reasons are real and indeed they make a 1 hour trip to be 3 hours trip.

In the end, people, especially those who live far from their school or work place have to be either arrived very early or very late. I usually try to be on time or just arrived early because I will feel very bad later if I make someone wait for me. I usually found something interesting to do -reading, writing, drawing- while waiting so I don’t realize about my surrounding and voila, the person I wait have arrived.

While I don’t really mind waiting, I annoyed when I have to wait for more than 3 hours. I have waited so long for a friend –an ex friend to be exact- until I finished a book. It’s a novel and written in English, and even though the book was not “thick as pillow” it have hundreds of pages, though I have read it half.

I will understand and forgive her if that not happened almost in every meeting. I don’t know what this kind of person thinking. One example of “eh-I late again-hehehehe-“; this ex of friend called and told about a painting exhibition and whether I can accompany her because she doesn’t know the place. I like paintings so I said that would be nice. So we made plan to meet at this bus shelter at 10 on Friday and then go to the exhibition together.

On the day, I was just about to leave the house at 0830 when a text message comes: “I can’t make it at 10; I got woke up late, sorry. Don’t depart yet until you get my message.”

Her house is more far than my house to the meeting place and the painting exhibition. So when I spend 1 hour she will spend 2 hours. I was glad that she managed to send me a text message and thought that she’s having something at her trip.

By the way she used to hide the fact that she’s late and send no text message to let me know, so I ended up hurriedly depart and when I arrived in the meeting point at the exact promise time she wasn’t there or in the 2 hours after that. After I tell her many times (well with a quite fierce way ;P) she started to inform me when she’s late.

So I wait, relax while ready to depart as soon as her text message come. But until 11 it still no news from her. I got anxious and texts message her. She didn’t reply. Maybe she can’t reply because of something, I thought. I try to relax and eat something. At 1130 I called her. She didn’t answer. At 0100 I was just thinking whether to just leave or not because maybe she can’t call. At 0130, I decided to drop off this idea and going somewhere else when a text message comes: “I will arrive in about 30 minutes to our meeting point!”

I was dumbfounded. It is impossible for me to go there in 30 minutes. Not just that, even if it is I don’t have to worry because it’s her own fault to have to wait for me, every local should know what kind of traffic is at 12 in the noon and also on Friday. Monday and Friday (and Sunday in some area) are the most horrid days that I don’t want to go out after 2 PM.

So I hurriedly depart. As expected the street are full and also the bus. I wonder what this people are doing at this hour. In Monday or Friday, even when it’s just 3 PM, traffic jam has occurred. Do all these people leave work early to avoid traffic jam and in result cause this unbelievable traffic jam? The thing is much of these people wore the public offices workers uniform. No wonder this country sadly become more and more declining.

So I spend extra hours because of the traffic jam and got smashed between a stupid and an idiot man in the bus (considered this lucky actually, many strange people exist in the bus including those need to killed-perverts) that actually can be avoided if only this ex friend can keep her promise and not late.

At last I arrived at the meeting point and we have another stressful trip to the exhibition by bus. And no need to say that the trip back home is even worst. When we arrived it’s already 0345 PM. This ex friend insists to eat first; she said that she so rushed to go early she hasn’t got time to eat.

When she ate I learn why she’s so late. No hassle in her trip it’s only because after she sent me that first text message she slept again…. So she woke up at 0830 sent me text message and continued to sleep right away.

I looked at her who smiled and continued to eat without any slight of guilty and that time I really want to smack her face. So, not that day but many days after I able to calm myself, I told my opinion about her. Well in the end we don’t speak to each other anymore.

I hate people who saying sorry every time lightly without any slight of realization. Saying sorry or thank you is important, not doing or trying not doing the things that have to make us saying I am sorry to other person is even more important I think.

This thought come to my mind yesterday when I was waiting once again. That almost everything in life is a priority or a choice. We can actually meet someone on time if we think it’s an important meeting. Just because the person not yelled nor angry to you when you are late doesn’t mean you can take it for granted.

Some majority of human are so annoying. To nice people they take it for granted, to bad and short tempered people they try as hard as they can to please or not getting any scold from them.

I try my hard to act like people act towards me. If they kind I will kind also. If they act impossible I will leave them. No small talks, no spice or adding up flavors. Period.

Chocolate Spots

When I waited for the bus on Tuesday morning, a group of goats passing the small bus shelter near my house. It’s not too early in the morning and not yet noon either, so the street is not too crowded.

There is a goat that’s different from the others with thicker fur and four chocolate spots in her right side. She looks like a sheep, a cheerful one. She’s also smaller + chubby than the other sheep. Almost, always small gap left behind the others; she was trotting despite walking like the others. So funny!

I saw them until they disappear from my sight. Just before they disappear three goats start to occupied two lines in the street. Lucky, the drivers –surprisingly- were civil this time and patiently waiting-not even a single honk- until the shepherd behaving them.

They made me smile that morning.