Vivaldi, Opera Giustino: "Aria Vedro con mio diletto". Philippe Jaroussk...

Johann Sebastian Bach Violin Concertos, Anne-Sophie Mutter

De profundis clamo ad te domine

felt sharpness crushed from the core of the world, tasted pain that’s unbearable, strangled, breathing is a struggle every time, suffering from the desperation that swallowing deep and deeper, with the fastness rate that will cornered faster than I can able to recognize, darkness that confine, suppressed memories that arising...leaves no room even for a spark of hope. Enormous hole that constantly, biting-mincing-slicing

.................................................
What’s left is something that I wish will disappear soon.

I am just too good at deceiving other people.

They are guessing or judging.

None get the right answer.

Sometimes I even dare to think that God is deceived by me....

Otherwise, He should not...

 Freedom to think does not mean freedom to die?

Falling

Because you don't really want it, it doesn't happen.

Because your will is not strong enough, it fails.

Like running with eyes closed in the pitch dark room; trying to find the way out while keep hitting the walls and unknown objects scattered around the hard concrete floor below. Out from one room to another, darkest, merciless closed-spaces. Falling, breaking, and losing yourself.

In the end, there are no reasons allowed. Whether it is because your weak struggle, your focus losing or simply, you are a looser. You may think you have give everything, sacrificing everything, but what is matter is about the result, the unaccomplished one.   

MONO - Ashes In The Snow

Bach - Matthaus Passion - 39. Aria A - Erbarme dich

Banana Land (or simply I fall*fail into sarcasm again)

*What is visualized in my mind: a purple banana tree with monkeys lingers around it, accompanied with rotten bananas scattered around (strangely they are not purple!)*

In this land *oh because the sun shining so bright, everything's will be alright* you are not allowed to be alone
The presence when you are being alone is stick out
Like a purple banana tree tapping and dancing
You attract attention in the way you don’t want to get

In this island *all the greens make everything concealed behind the screens* people think it’s their generosity
their kindness
to bug you all the time
Oh how they understand you; they know you more than you yourselves!
while they don’t know themselves

When will they stop I think
I can’t seem to accept
the unbreakable fact that

this friendliness *screams: FAUX!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
would never ceased
While hypocrisy fertile
and stupidity presence

: )

Person of no importance. me.

spark

Still I try to block all the voices, louder, louder, LOUDER!!!!!!!!!!

However it is the maximum volume and I am still hearing it. I am hitting the button but it refuse to get louder

crazy

                helpless

I don't need any booze
                 

                drugs


Even without it, all falling apart, my mind, senses

                            ALL
                     
 blow


 SPARKS
                       thousand

lights

                                    voices

INSIDE  my head without warning



I need something stronger and louder.








                                             damn it................