Sickened

Disappointment
after
disappointment
burdened my heart

Struggling
not just without any support
not only with harsh criticism
not only with snickering
humiliation
insult
anger

But also sabotage
slander
attack

However hard I tried
however hard I struggle
however hard I pray
however hard...

Disheartened
beaten

Slowly
gnaw on
my head
body
soul

I hate them so much
I pray for them
to be burn in hell
forever
slowly
painfully

No mercy
to be trade
for
God’s forgiveness

Hate them so much
I am willing
to be burn
in the hell forever

One sultry evening early in July….

That is the sentence that I believe many people know, yes, the very first sentence from Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. I am now haunted by this sentence because I have this habit when I'm reading.

The habit is to always start form the very first page of the book. That is from the cover, summary page, inside cover page, copyright page, dedication page, table of contents, glossary, bibliography, index, etc. I read every word on every page carefully.

This habit while it's perfectly not bothering me at all when I'm reading a “simple” book sometimes really burdening me. That happens when I’m reading a “difficult” book, like Crime and Punishment. I love Russian writer so much, but this book, not just in English but also in what I called “difficult English”.

It has been long time ago I decided to just read an English book even if there are words that I don't understand rather than look it up in the dictionary every time. In Crime and Punishment, the words that I don’t understand are enormous. For example I don’t even know what sultry means is (when I write this I have look up for the meaning ;>). Still, I find it very difficult to read it continuously.

I read it for one chapter then someone calls me or I need to do something and when I can come back to the book again, I forget everything. So I started reading from the very first. The cover, etc., etc.. Knowing that’s stupid yet can’t resist.

That’s why I can’t shook off that part of the first word in this book from my head.

I’m now (only!) in Chapter VI of Part Two and struggling to finish the book. I hope Raskolnikoff will do something brilliant soon and amused me : )

How Are You?

I always take a considerable time before answering the question "how are you?"

First reason is I am a slow person. Secondly, and the main reason, is because I always confused what to answer to that kind of question.

I supposed we can’t just answer bluntly, “I’m so depressed… I can’t stand it anymore… so sick with all those stupid, ignorance people… thank you for asking… how about you?”

I don’t think I can say that to someone that doesn’t know me well. And I don’t want to either. They must be asking that kind of thing just as a common greeting and expected the standard answer *at least not too depressing answer I believe ;P*

I don’t think even my best friend can accept that kind of answer too often. It will be too burdensome. Everyone must have their own problems and hearing about other miserable over and over must be annoying to even the most patient and kind person.

I think that’s why there are exist psychologist and psychiatrist.

So in the end, after- I just can’t help it- thinking many things and take a long times, I will always say, “I’m fine, thank you!” or “So-so, thank you.”

And everything will go well from there. I hope.